You’re not a stadium, so no one gets naming rights to your body. Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you how to deal with a girl who wants to stake a visible claim.
Illustration by Celia Calle
Q:
My girlfriend loves my tattoos. In fact, that’s how we got together. She’s a masseuse, and she talked to me about my ink while giving my massage. When it was over, I asked her out, and we’ve been dating for almost a year. While I’ve got a considerable amount of body art, I’ve always been careful about where I get tattooed. The people in charge in my profession don’t think highly of people with tattoos, so I make sure my office attire hides mine. I’m okay with this, because I really like my job.
My girlfriend keeps pushing me to get work done around my neck, including her nickname, almost up to my chin. She claims that the tattoos are an artistic form of expression, and I shouldn’t be afraid to express myself just because of a job. I agree with the artistic statement, but not enough to set up unnecessary roadblocks in my career. How do I get her to back off?
A:
Here are my rules regarding women and tattoos:
1. Never get a woman’s name or face inked on your body.
2. Never get a tattoo to impress a woman.
3. Never listen to a woman’s ideas about a tattoo unless it’s her job.
As for your situation, your girlfriend probably makes decent money as a masseuse. Part of being good at her job is listening to her clients. Word of mouth brings the clients coming in, and coming back, and if she’s supporting herself as a masseuse, she must know this. Tell her you’ve got an awesome idea: The next time she’s working on a client (preferably a dude), right in the middle of the massage, she should very quickly but forcibly jam her thumb up the client’s butt. No warning, just boom.
She’ll tell you it’s an awful idea, and ask why you’re trying to fuck with her livelihood. That’s when you say, “Exactly my point about the neck tattoo!” and hope she gets that you can’t screw with the way you make money either. Presumably she likes having a boyfriend with a good job, so she needs to understand that not everyone is cool with personal expression from nine to five. And if she thinks the surprise butthole fingering is an excellent business idea, ask her if she has any openings on Thursday mornings.